When it Only Hurts!

How can someone only love you when sex is involved? Married with no real connection besides a type of tolerated relationship.
To be honest our relationship started with deceit; a woman left her clothes in our bedroom. Once came home reeking  of intercourse, and much nerve to ignore me completely when out to dinner.
Disrespected in so many ways due to his past marriage that he claimed he was the abused and mistreated spouse in that relationship. Listening to the other side of the story comes a much believable story that he was simply a man who is self evolved. I feel like he only wants to be a memory rather than to have memories. I know he once told me that maybe he wasn't supposed to be married.
You would think that at least one would learn to find love within oneself to expel it so that it flows through out their being. How can one claim to love Christ but dislikes the people. A bit of a hypocrite; finds fault with everyone besides self with no regret.
Moved to a new state and the first interview with a prospective employment and just had to dominate just to show how much more he knew then her.
Without money to keep living in the hotel with every move we ended up seeking help from an agency that gave help for 14 days, and later ended up in the county shelter.  I cried a lot due to his distasteful and non thinking of choice for words.
Then we moved into a house with the controlling, the harshness of speaking with everyone.
Don't get me wrong there are some good days as well! ☺
God's word is what's keeping me sain and my need to be around other people who are positive.

Here's the skinny I only write now to keep from crying uncontrollable and not to just run away into the next loving pretending arms of someone else. When we do less talking it is a great and satisfying day in Mickey Mouse Land. I play with my kids and even engage in many of their conversations, but adult attention only at school. I bought a couple of bra's, but when I put on one of them I thought he would stay to see me put it on, NOPE! He has felt it through my close he claims, and proceeded to say he likes it. WOW a compliment so he does know how to compliment me. I was shocked to say thank you. 

I have never been in a relationship where I felt like I am the only one in it and the other is just dead weight. What I want is to experience real intimacy and what a real man of God expels his LOVE, HONOR, and CHERISH me. I am tired of being hurt, and I deserve to experience TRUE INTIMACY, LOVE, HAPPINESS, and just to feel peace

Learning to count it all JOY!

Good morning! 
With many different things and reflecting on the word of God and still feeling like my measuring stick/tape is way too short. No matter what I do not measure up to the deepest thoughts of God. I am and can be honest with me. 
Fibroids is trying to keep me in a lot of discomfort but I know my healing is on the way, and premenopause is no joke. Pregnancy was a walk in the park but often reflecting on my life where I have been to where I want to be. I cry a lot but it's not for myself. Yep emotional I am. What am I saying? Unless you spend your time scheduled/unscheduled in the presence of the Lord without one word.
I am 48 years old and things that bothered me back in my younger years God has shown me how to over look insults and the spirit of confusion, but don't think for one minute I have it all together because I still lack in many areas.
1. I lack in an area of past hurts and pain.
2. Afraid of always walking alone
3. Succeeding only to find people who never helped taking part in my success. Edenic Expressions (African, India and Philippines )also selling Avon
4. Not being accepted for who/who's I am.
Now how honest can you be with yourself and others around you?
You may not know my story until you commit to get to really know me and you hear it from me not someone who was on the beach looking at the ocean I had going on in my life. Everyone has an opinion on what someone went through and so ready to tell their stories, but only the person whose story it is can tell it right.