What Are You Doing?

 The real question here is are you just living or are you living to die? Living to me is not caring who you hurt along the way or just pretending to be something that you apparently are not. I call living a way to appease your targeted audience without showing your intent or your true self for that matter. Your fake close friends, acquaintance, family members or whatever relationship you may have or be in. It is fake until you show the real you. Living gives you a chance to hide behind multiple masks that give you a sense of security that you can hide. What are you hiding you may ask your past hurts, disappointments, failures. Maybe it is all those including unaccomplished goals. Now for you to just live like you are better or simply put content in the skin you created for yourself to pretend. 

Allow me to talk about living for a moment, I want to talk about a friend I once knew. We are going to refer to this friend as Jay. Jay was too saved, no life without her bible. Nothing wrong with that, but when this person's friends came by, they were delighted to be around them, and they all enjoined each other's company as well. Oh, you saw too saved now let me clarify for you what too saved is. Too saved would not laugh at your corny jokes and would not tell a joke. Trying to paint themselves as if they are perfect and you are the tainted one. Always meaning things in a loving way and never meaning it the way it was really intended. To not offend the person that is why they say "I say that out of love" does it make it any better nine out of ten the answer is no. They tend to say, "I am just keeping it real with you". Jay is a remarkable person never seems to be at odds with anyone everyone loves them. They will discuss things about other people, but do not get it twisted when you want to discuss something about someone "stop gossiping you know what God thinks about gossipers". 

Now Jay means well, and they have you as a friend they can always count on to be who you are and love them unconditionally. They may have a love for you but not in the same manner as you. If they are discussing someone else with you do not think they are not discussing things about you. Now Jay was a sweet lady in her late 60's I say. She never traveled out of the Country, nor did she go to any churches outside of her affiliation meaning that the church she may visit it had to be affiliated with her church group. You have the UPC, PAW, PCAF, and many more, but here is the thing she was well known in the church community. She Ushered on her days and filled in for others. She enjoyed singing in the choir as well. Once you got passed the Praise the Lord! You would generally have to be the one to somehow break the conversation. She was very pleasant, but what some didn't know she was scared to fail. Afraid if anyone knew her try state of mind or got to know the real Jay no one would like her. Isn't it funny how some of us flock to the ones who are just simply living,

Now let's look at living to die shall we. Now living to die you know in which you were born example 02/14/1967- . Notice there is no end date to speak of. Still living and very much alive. Let's look at another friend we are going to call her Mother Kay. Now Mother Kay I look up to her because she is as real as they come. Mother Kay has been somewhat all over the world and BOY she is multi-talented in many ways. She taught me that it is okay to explore this wonderful world that God has created for US. She shares her wisdom in many ways without saying "I am doing or saying this in love, or I am just keeping it real just saying". She says things without apology, and you can ether take or leave what she has said. Now Mother can be found in all auxiliaries of the church. Mother Kay has many followers but none that cannot get close to get to know her. She's that praying mother I want to be. She inspires me to keep reading my bible. She jokes, laughs and oh yea she even pranks at times she just loves to being alive until she closes her eyes for that final time. 

She that big kid at heart but she knows that all work and no play shorten your days. I feel that if you are not playful at times you are just too old. Now I look at my own children how they played and, how I played when I was younger. Who remembers the "ToysRus " theme song? That is me in the whole nutshell. Anyway, I can see myself drinking lemonade with Mother Kay on her porch can't you and I will even throw in spending time with her.

As random as the names are, so is our relationship to one another. Sis Jay will be the one to remind you of your past because, she does not know you. Nor will she ever get to know the now you from your yesterday you. Yes, she loves you in her own way though. Mother Kay on the other hand may know your past but she waits to see the butterfly in you. Meaning she watches you grow and learn the world around you. At the same time content with what she sees in you. She loves you unconditionally and you know and feel it for real. Mother Kay will not judge you but sis Jay for sure will. You have to love them both equally. Impossible you say no just keep reading your bible dear one. There is a sis/brother Jay as well as Mother/Elder Kay and yes, I do love them both not because I have to but because I do. Without the Jays, and the Kays, I feel this world would be very boring indeed.

Reminiscing!

Reminiscing!

What if you read in a book begin with the end in mind, What would you think the meaning of that statement was? How about this if you begin thinking about what you would want people to say about you at the end of your life. Is the life you living right NOW on track? I am for ever thinking and reexamining myself on a daily. I want to be found guilty of SERVING and certainly not ignoring the compassion that goes along with it.

Thought for the day

With your words are you drawing people towards you or are you pushing them away. Think about it. Also keep in mind that not everyone will like you but to dread you is a problem you need to address within yourself. 

With your attitude does it make people want to be around you because you are friendly or are you just a show to be with? In other words are you drawing the right people to you and can you be called a true friend? 

NEW YEAR NEW ME 20172017 OVER VIEW FOR ME

On a much serious note this year so far is about me caring for me emotionally, physically, spiritually among other things. Mostly I have found that I have accepted many things that I really should have stood up and said something. I have noticed after doing a blast form my past that I had stop doing and being who I am to being a not so sure as to what is expected of me walking on eggshells kind of lifestyle.

All 2016 I took selfies of myself with and without smiles and noticed that I stopped doing my hair and stopped really caring about my facial expressions (mean looks and whatever stares). They revealed a person whom I did not know or even want to get to know.

Also found myself accepting things that were meant to be hurtful and harmful to me emotionally and block what hopes and dreams that I may have. People who are JUST in my life holding me back by NOT supporting me or being there when I need them, but I seem to be there for them. HEAR ME IT STOPS NOW!

2016 I have placed value in people who didn’t feel the same for me not mention the talking down as if I was a child they felt needed the a full explanation of what was being said. Even to at times one has felt the need to talk harshly as if to scold but yet hold a half thought turnabout of way conversation. Yes that is a thing, took out of a book I recently read. Noticed I have become a doormat for some a revolving door for others. I have accepted not being good or intelligent enough for others (pretended not to know).

Also over the years, allowed others to define me and point out MY every flaw.

So I serve notice to those who have never once mentioned among you have you been there for me you are done here. If you never said an encouraging word you are also done here. If you always had some type of negative or mean thing to say you are also done here. If you bring about stagnant or backbiting or even being a stumbling block, yes you are done here. If you are only here in my life because you feel the need to teach me, you are DISMISSED!

My goals and who I am has changed and will not go back to the way I used to be. I enjoy writing again, singing in the rain, praying, reading my word, learning new things, feeling the outdoors on my skin (wait here there are snakes, but with caution yes), enjoy walking and talking (yes that is a thing when going to and from classes), enjoy doing nails, making jewelry and repairing them as well. There is a whole new ME to explore THANK YOU JESUS! I accept this challenge of a second chance to really get to know and understand Evangelist Michele Richardson without all the bearers that was once before me.

This Would Have Been Our 25th Anniversary

I a woke this morning looking to hear you say ready for breakfast my dear and longing to hear the menu for the day that you had planed out. As I walked into the living room and looked at the place you normally sat I approached ready to say Happy Anniversary! Then my eyes filled up with water ready to flow down my face. I began to think back to the planning of our twenty-?th vowel renewal because we could not agree on the place to celebrate our great union. I wanted to tell you the night of our chat that I have no sad songs to sing but I will cherish the memories we shared forever. 

This year is my turn of memories to share one last time: remember that time I cooked our 24th anniversary meals but I burnt our lunch that you called scorched just a bit. How we sat and laughed at my ridiculous poor pronunciation of the words supercalifragilisticexpialidocious and also dociousaliexpilisticfragicalirupus. Oh how we laughed like two immature school birds because there are so many ways one can miss pronounce those words. The funniest thing is when Rochelle called you and you had to miss pronounce your words by leaving off the first letter in every word. Boy I never laughed as hard as I did that day. We pranked each other and just rolling over in fun. Oh what about our 23rd anniversary when we went to Ihop for breakfast and we played games all day and then we went to Golden Coral for dinner and the games continued. 

Good bye my love  

GET OFF ME

Look I am only human I am not without many faults and failures, but I strive to do better and be better. By you being able to point out my faults only tells me you struggle with the same things but you only mask your better.
No I may not be perfect but I know who is, and Him, and Him I will follow till the day I die. You can not shake me nor deter me away from the promises of God. I want it all, so what you think you are better but look here if you can't take the time to pray with me about my struggles or short comings then please don't try to become a stumbling block in my life.
Oh dang did you know that there is a consequence for you being a stumbling block in any believers or non believers  life? Well you may not experience it right away but over time, or one day show up. One of my favorite go to bible verses that says a lot. See {Matthew 7:7-12, 22:37-40} here it mainly talks about how to treat one another but Matthew 7:7-12 has a promise and tells you how to get that promise if you only look closely with your heart.
Let  me explain here everything you do, say, think or even hear all have consequences rather good or bad all depends on you. If you spend your time putting down or realizing other people faults then you will receive a worse treatment maybe not right away but before you die. If you spend your time backbiting and wrongful persecutions the same will be done to you and yes worse. You do a good deed it won't go unrewarded. Yes for every good deed one does God will reward you.
Bringing this almost to a close, starting with  Psalm 7:11 God judgeth the righteous, and God is angry with the wicked every day. Luke 22:25-30
25 And he said unto them, The kings of the gentiles exercise lordship over them; and they that exercise authority upon them are called benefactors.{Matthew. 20:25 and Mark 10:42}
26 But ye shall not be so: but he that is greatest among you, let him be younger; and he that is chief, as he that doth serve.{Matthew 20:26, 1 Peter 5:3 and Luke 9:48}
27 For whether is greater, he that sitteth at meat, or he that serveth? is not he that sitteth at meat? but I am among you as he that serveth.
28 Ye are they which have continued with me in my temptations. {Hebrews 4:15}
29 And I appoint unto you a Kingdom, as my Father hath appointed unto me; {Matthew 24:47}
That ye may eat and drink at my table in my kingdom, and sit on thrones judging the twelve tribes of Israel.
1 Corinthians 2:13-15
13 Which things also we speak, not in words which man's wisdom teacheth, but which the Holy Ghost teacheth; comparing spiritual things with spiritual.
14 But the natural man receiveth not the things of the Spirit of God: for they are foolishness unto him:neither can he know them, because they are spiritually discerned.
15 But he that is spiritual judgeth all things, yet he himself is judged of no man.

Since God judges the spiritual and the righteous then what does that make you?

Through it All

I may not look like what I have been through or have live/d with. It is a choice of mine to rise above my circumstance through the victory that Jesus has given me. I try to live by the fruit of spirit found in Galatians 5:22-23 KJV 22 But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance: against such there is no law. Also found in Ephesians 5:9 KJV (For the fruit of the Spirit is in all goodness and righteousness and truth;). 

Sure I people and self disappoint me but I keep in mind that Jesus had the same obstacles and he kept on moving forward and not dwelling in the mess that he was dealt. So why should we waddle in the same mess that all we have; we have to do is look at what Jesus did and how he handled every situation. I feel that since the age of 12 things started to change how people in my immediate family viewed me. I was being beaten up emotionally, I used to cry myself to sleep because I really didn't understand being talked to as if I was an adult with choice words as well. I lived that way all through my first marriage and part of my second marriage. So what am I saying; I am in no way the sum of the things that tried to beguile me. 

Look here many people thought and felt/feel that I am very naive all because I choose to be humbled and let people think they have gotten the best of me, and in that I want the world to see the Jesus in me. I have to put my flesh under subjection to the word of GOD not man, cause the side of me no one really knows about me is that I am stuck up, very conceded, God's gift to the world and yet I am able to accept everyone where they are. Yes it takes disciplining yourself by the word of God and truly being saved and living the word in your heart and having the love of Jesus resonate through out your entire body. Look at Matthew 22:36 Master, which is the great commandment in the law? 37 Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. 38 This is the first and great commandment. 39 And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. 40 On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets, 

I feel that these are the scriptures to live by and not only those but as my former Pastor Elder James E Carey told all of us that at night and when he awoke he prayed Psalms 19:14 Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O Lord, my strength, and my redeemer. I took it farther by reading Psalms 19:7-14 every night and when I awake. 

A private look inside my difficult and trying marriage but do not get me wrong I have found out what agpe really is (unconditional love). I stumbled a lot in loving my husband the way he needed and stumbling with caring and showing love his way. I had to think outside the box and at times I felt exalted by creativity to keep things spinning in my world. Clashing love meant that I had to dig deeper and silence the outside audience and keep praying and letting God lead and guide me. Mother Hedgepath was my mentor in many ways as a wife and a mother she has showered me with many scriptures to read (Isaiah 49:22-26 read at night over your child/ren, Solomon and Hebrews 13 read daily for your marriage and for me she gave me to read the book of Ester and Psalms 37), She gave those to start my path since then I have added many more and so should you.   

Things that make one wonder how's

There are three things that amaze me — no, four things that I don't understand: how an eagle glides through the sky, how a snake slithers on a rock, how a ship navigates the ocean, how a man loves a woman one minute and can't love her the next.

There are several things that bother the heck out of me- yes, several: Like I can appreciate you while alone but when in public I am mistreating you like your beneath me, I can say I love you when you or I are leaving the house and going to bed, but ignore you while you sit beside me, That parent that displays hatred towards their child/ren and never there for them when they are in trouble, What about siblings that constantly fighting or arguing all the time it seems they never can get along, Church members disliking/hating one another or even the the very ones that look after their very soul (pastors, ministers on the roster and deacons), Parents that DO not watch their children and let them walk all over them like a doormat, People thinking that being a Christian is wrong but Christians are the ones compromising just not to offend anyone but they get to offend the Christians, We Christians put down each other like it is a prat of the air that we breathe and even our leaders as well, We demand respect like a two year old trying to get their way, We act like we're tough and say things that we never even meant to say but we are cowards when it comes to apologizing. Knowing how to run someone else's business when you can't even run your own (some calling it leaving your lane), How about cussing out your son/daughter while just holding a conversation, Bowing down to the wrong doing the wrong then to stand up for the right (SAME SEX MARRIAGES and calling it like Sodom and Gomorrah) Sodom and Gomorrah problem is everyone's else's problem called HOSPITALITY there I said it.

 Amazingly there are things that one just can not explain the how, like: how high is the heaven from the earth, how our sexuality turned on senses work, how does the vocal cords on animals work, how does earth and the other planets stay the distance they are and how do we really know the true distance if we never even been to the other planets, Science is built around hypothesised theorise no facts, how do we even know that pesticides and other chemicals are needed when they weren't needed in the days of Adam, Noah, and in the 18th century but it was developed in 1839ish when Muller found the compound DDT, ( when a Swiss entomologist named Paul
Müller discovered that a chemical compound called dichlorodiphenyltrichloroethane—DDT—was perhaps the most potent broad-based insecticide ever seen, effective even on pests that had developed a resistance to the old standby, arsenic.http://www.rodalesorganiclife.com/food/when-did-we-start-using-pesticides)

I have more but for now these will do. 

When it Only Hurts!

How can someone only love you when sex is involved? Married with no real connection besides a type of tolerated relationship.
To be honest our relationship started with deceit; a woman left her clothes in our bedroom. Once came home reeking  of intercourse, and much nerve to ignore me completely when out to dinner.
Disrespected in so many ways due to his past marriage that he claimed he was the abused and mistreated spouse in that relationship. Listening to the other side of the story comes a much believable story that he was simply a man who is self evolved. I feel like he only wants to be a memory rather than to have memories. I know he once told me that maybe he wasn't supposed to be married.
You would think that at least one would learn to find love within oneself to expel it so that it flows through out their being. How can one claim to love Christ but dislikes the people. A bit of a hypocrite; finds fault with everyone besides self with no regret.
Moved to a new state and the first interview with a prospective employment and just had to dominate just to show how much more he knew then her.
Without money to keep living in the hotel with every move we ended up seeking help from an agency that gave help for 14 days, and later ended up in the county shelter.  I cried a lot due to his distasteful and non thinking of choice for words.
Then we moved into a house with the controlling, the harshness of speaking with everyone.
Don't get me wrong there are some good days as well! ☺
God's word is what's keeping me sain and my need to be around other people who are positive.

Here's the skinny I only write now to keep from crying uncontrollable and not to just run away into the next loving pretending arms of someone else. When we do less talking it is a great and satisfying day in Mickey Mouse Land. I play with my kids and even engage in many of their conversations, but adult attention only at school. I bought a couple of bra's, but when I put on one of them I thought he would stay to see me put it on, NOPE! He has felt it through my close he claims, and proceeded to say he likes it. WOW a compliment so he does know how to compliment me. I was shocked to say thank you. 

I have never been in a relationship where I felt like I am the only one in it and the other is just dead weight. What I want is to experience real intimacy and what a real man of God expels his LOVE, HONOR, and CHERISH me. I am tired of being hurt, and I deserve to experience TRUE INTIMACY, LOVE, HAPPINESS, and just to feel peace