Dairy: When I Hurt

Sara and her husband Judah have been married for 15 years, and he has always been controlling and abusive. Sara is a happy/ unhappy wife with 4 children. All she knows is verbal abuse and someone who wants to control what she does and how she feels.
 Here is her Journal entry:

How can I be expected to write when I am hurting deep down? I don’t know how to stay focused while my life is filled with chaos. I would rather stay in bed than face the day in tears and stumbling like an unstable baby. I pray the deeper the knife goes, and sometimes the honeymoon time comes, and then we talk about not feelings and emotions. Oft, I feel alone, like he is in my life just to watch me go through. I feel like a stranger in my own home the rules only applied when he was working.

  Now, I am being told that I am being loved by him the way I love myself (what does that mean?). And that he needs to express himself as loudly as he feels he needs to be. He said his wife will be an emotional person, but I am not an emotional person, nor do I like the violent feeling. He loves me to be loud and express my anger because a quiet woman hurt him. He wants to express his anger as loud as he wants regardless of how it frightens me. I know I say the phrase “I am done” as another way for me to say “I am tired”. I don’t know what he really wants nor expects of me. Truthfully, I feel like a walking zombie. I desperately need to discuss some things with him, but it will be pointless because he feels that frustrating me in question form is supposed to make me talk more. Knowing that he ends up hurting me verbally, and feels I am too delicate to handle what he may dish out.

I feel that he only wants to be loud so that he can be heard and embarrass me. I am uncertain/ confused as to speak on love. Why am I hurting so much that I am practically numb on the inside? Lord, how can we help other marriages thrive if we are barely coming together? How can we lead your people to you if our relationship isn’t by your standards? I feel if we continue with our same childish sense of pride/ ego, we will destroy everyone in our pat, including ourselves.

I am ready to quit this childish drama and be what is needed for me to be the wife/ woman of God/ mother that God has chosen me to be. I don’t want to continue to hurt and cry almost every night. I don’t want to feel like I don’t exist anymore. LORD, I NEED YOUR HELP NOW!!!!

I really don’t feel like doing much due to his constant putting down of my grandmother, my mother, and my friends to me and others. At times I feel like he is the only one who has reasoning skills and I am as dumb as they come. My grandmother sent to college and got her master’s degree in Home Economics. She taught school from the 1960s to 1986 as a Home Economics Department Head. My mother, from 19700 to 2009, was in the Army/Army National Guard and has held a job since Lowes 1993. Wait, they both are retired. Now my friend Ann has been married several times to the same man several times and she has worked for a Law firm as a secretary while working on the side for the head partner of the firm since 1988, Shannon has worked for 5 Mc Donald’s as a GM huh what has he done? These 2 have no children due to working on their careers with their husbands backing them.

Now Judah – Krispy Kan  1992 to 1996 (too many points against him), Value Pre Village, Pizza Hut, Real Estate Storm 1997, Mc Donald’s, Burger King 1998, Calendar Creations, Labor’s  Ready, Domino’s Pizza 1999 – 2001, Mc Donald’s and went to Baptist  Business College  2001,2, and Corner Stone College on line 2009 IT

January 12, 2012: Alphonzo asked me, “What daddy don’t like you? Well, I love you. I wanted to cry, but it was hard for me to sleep. All I could do was pray most of the night.

Sometimes, you have to learn how to walk alone and how to stand on your own. Distractions come in many forms it is that Sara's was right in front of her. It is just how she handled it as to if she was to pass her test. Bo,y God is good.